We here at BoobNewb have decided to throw ourselves our own Super Sweet 16 Party at the advice of some producers from some music channel which we cannot name. Is this site 16 years old already? No. But after watching a few episodes of the show, we think that there is a lack of originality by only showing rich and spoiled little girls and boys. What about average people like us? Don’t we deserve our own sweet 16 party as well? Well, we decided to stage our own Super Sweet 16 Party BoobNewb Style with absolutely no budget to speak of and here’s what went down….
6:00 am: Like I said, we have no budget. So if you need to plan a party you need to wake the fuck up early.
8:00 am: Finally get out of bed. We here wake up at 6:00 am and then sleep in for another 2 hrs.
9:00 am: Ok, time to start planning this party. Every party needs a location. Since we have no money, we’ve narrowed the choices down to a few locations. The house, the YMCA, the neighbor’s house when they’re on vacation or not home and finally the park. Now out of these choices; we were rejected by quite a few people. The neighbors were home so that was out of the question. The YMCA wanted us to become members first so we said no to that. The mall security escorted us out quietly after we mentioned what we were up to. The park closed too early for us to be able to party. That left us with my house. That wouldn’t fly either although we were allowed to use my garage. Sweet. Jackpot! Ok, so my house’s garage it is.
11:00 am: Alright, now that the location is confirmed, we’re going to need some entertainment for this party. We couldn’t afford a magician, but luckily enough for us, the homeless guy who lives behind the convenience store dumpster near my house can do a cool ball and cup trick if we payed him with booze so we found ourselves an opening act. It also helps that a local friend of ours is a professionally trained clown. He really isn’t getting very much work these days so he agreed to perform if we gave him some food. We thought it was a good deal but we may think the reason for his lack of work may have something to do with his choice of makeup but that’s just our opinion.
12:00 pm: We thought it would be a good idea to have a stand up comedian on board as well. We managed to convince actor/comedian Pauly Shore to appear because we told him if he came we’d get him a guest spot on Letterman. Sucker! Also, Steven Wright was going to perform because we told him if he didn’t perform we’d kick him off of our couch which he uses to sleep on all of the time.
1:00 pm: We thought it would also be a good idea to have some musical entertainment for this party. We managed to convince pop star Britney Spears to show up if we helped to smuggle her out of her rehab facility. We also made a call to Europe and were able to snag the Proclaimers to perform for us because they weren’t doing much of anything anyways.
2:00 pm: A good Sweet 16 Party is going to need good food. Our good friend Juan works for a Mexican restaurant and was gracious enough to deliver day old tacos that they weren’t able to sell in the restaurant anymore due to health code violations. We were going to need a cake as well because what would a Super Sweet 16 Party be without a Super Sweet 16 cake? Luckily for us, our other friend Don works for an erotic bakery and managed to sneak out a special cake just for us.
3:00 pm: It’s time to make our guest list. Our party isn’t a popularity contest. We basically get whoever we can get to show up in the next 3 hrs or so. We figured we’d make a couple of flyers and pass them around town. On the flyers, we purposely did what the experts call “viral marketing” by creating a flyer that said, “Have You SEEN This Baby? MISSING” and used a picture of our friend’s cousin’s baby on the flyer. We figured that when people phoned in to ask about the baby, we’d say “OH, YA, IT’S COOL. WE FOUND THE BABY IN A DITCH. OH BTW. HEY WANNA COME TO MY SUPER SWEET 16 PARTY?” The marketing plan kind of backfired when we got calls from both Social services and the police, not to mention my friend’s cousin’s baby’s mama wondering why her baby’s face was on the Fox News Channel’s Geraldo Riviera show.
4:00 pm: We figured that College kids love booze so we decided to go recruiting for guests at our local college by offering them free booze if they showed up to the party. Unfortunately, we were kicked out of the school when the college kids that attended the school were in fact all nuns. Come to think of it, all of them being dressed in black should have been a dead giveaway.
5:00 pm: Ok,it’s getting kind of late and we need guests really badly. We managed to find a bus filled with senior citizens from a local church group and lied to them by saying that we had found a picture of Jesus Christ etched into one of Juan’s tacos. They agreed to appear.
6:00 pm: With only 2 hrs. till show time, we needed to act fast. I thought that it would be really neat if we could make some kind of a grand entrance into the party like they do on that tv show with the rich kids. In order to do that, we would need some sort of transportation vehicle of some sort to get us from point A to point A because we couldn’t really afford point A to B. We were able to find a bunch of high school seniors on their way to their prom and asked them if they could just bring us along in their limo to our party. They said no. So, we then asked them if we could just take pictures of us with them in their limo and show it to our friends. They agreed and so we took some racy snapshots and got out of their limo. We then took a public bus up to the party.
7:00 pm: Only 1 hr. till the party and I still think that we’re missing something. Oh, yes. Two things. In order to be cool, we’ll need a bouncer to kick people out of our party.And finally, it would be a cool idea if we could find some sort of exotic animals that we can put around us to make us seem “exotic” like we’re from Egypt or something. The bouncer was an easy choice. There’s an angry midget from Ireland that hangs out by the Pub that we go to and is always looking for a fight so we told him he could smash pool cues on anyone that was misbehaving. The exotic animals were a little tougher to find. We couldn’t really find any so after we snuck around the security guards at the mall; we told the owners of the petting zoo at the mall if we could borrow some of their animals for the night and exchange we would give the animals and their owners free room and board for the remainder of their stay.
8:00 pm: IT’S PARTAY TIME! The party starts off with the Proclaimers singing their one hit wonder “If I could walk 500 miles” to which Britney Spears stopped the performance by flipping them off and attacking them with an umbrella. Poor guys.
8:30 pm: Britney then proceeded to sing her hit single that made her a star. She began to sing “Hit Me Baby One More Time”. This probably wasn’t a good choice of music to play as the angry Irish midget overheard her singing and then knocked her out cold with a pool cue.9:00 pm: The homeless guy then started to proceed with his cup and ball trick. Sadly, the homeless man then pulled down his pants and said “SEE! THIS IS MY CUP! AND THESE ARE MY BALLS!”
9:15 pm: The stand up comedy routine from Pauly Shore was off the hook! He kept doing his weasel routine from the early 90s MTV era. Literally, it was the exact same routine that we heard him perform on MTV from the early 90s. Steven Wright couldn’t be reached because he was passed out on our couch and wouldn’t wake up.9:30 pm: The senior citizens group got pissed when it turned out that the taco had a picture of Elvis Presley etched into it and not Jesus. Also, I think a few of them contracted Hepatitis B from the tacos.10:00 pm: WOW! One of the nuns actually showed up to our party!
10:15 pm: Our buddy, the clown, finally showed up out of nowhere. I swear, it seems like he’s been gone for hours. And why does he have a butcher knife in his hand? And what is that red substance on the tip of the butcher knife? And where is Juan?
10:30 pm: It’s cake time! Oh my gosh, that sure is one large cake if you know what i mean!11:00 pm: The cops show up. It seems one of our neighbors called the cops on us for disturbing the peace. They tell us to shut down the party.
11:30 pm: My friend’s cousin’s mama shows up at the house. She has a very mean look on her face. We quickly close the garage door and lock the front door in case she tries to get in.
12:00 am: The guests start to leave. The nun manages to hop a ride back on the bus along with the senior citizens group and the homeless man. Apparently, the senior citizens group managed to convince the man to convert to Christ. Unbemongst to the group, Halfway during their trip home the homeless revealed that he was really jewish and so they kicked him to the curb and told him to and I quote “Get a job you Hippie!”.
12:15 am: Pauly, the angry midget and Britney left together in a cab back to Hollywood. A new reality tv show is in the works for the three of them.
12:30 am: The Proclaimers actually took Britney’s advice and plan to walk 500 miles back to the East coast and then hitch a boat back to Europe.
1:00 am: We were left in our garage with Steven Wright passed out on the couch and a couple of smelly farm animals that kept pooping on the floor. We think the party was a success. AND IT COST US 0$! UP YOURS YOU SPOILED BRATS!
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