Hey, if Beijing and London can host an Olympics with their lip-synching singers, match-fixing badminton players, crappy women’s soccer refs, underage gymnasts, pollution and human rights violations then why can’t we? There is a movement to get laziness into the Olympics. Most of these people don’t care enough to do anything about it so it took our crack team of researchers some time to come up with some cool and unique events and we’re pretty happy with the outcome. We hope that you enjoy the events that are sure to be given ample consideration by the Brazilians during the next Summer games in 2016 or those fine Korean folks in Pyeongchang in 2018.
Text Messaging
-Laugh it up. But believe it or not there are actual competitions where people can win thousands of dollars. We give basic text message scenarios such as relationship advice, hot girls/boys at the mall, workout advice at the gym, and food/movie/television reviews to give the challengers a chance to try and beat their opponents by trying to outlast them and see who can type the fastest within a specific time limit.
Coke and Menthos Challenge
-Each competitor will be given a supply of both Menthos and coke or some other soft drink of their choice and whoever can shoot their drink of choice up in the air and get the highest vertical height will be declared the winner.
Battleship
-Wouldn’t it be awesome to see different countries playing the board game Battleship? I could just see it now. It would be the most disputed event since pair’s figure skating. Every country would comment on why their country could destroy the other during game play and there wouldn’t be one Olympics without some country filing a motion with the Olympic committee demanding that the winner be stripped of their medal for looking over their shoulder and seeing where they placed their ships on the board during the match.
Beer games
-The Broken Lizard comedy troupe may have made a movie about beer games called ‘Beerfest’ but the reality is that most countries could probably field a competitive team in order to compete against other countries in sports that were usually participated in by college freshmen. I’d be willing to bet that more countries would be familiar with beer games then they would with the sport of baseball.
Microsoft XP Loading Challenge
-The rules of this game are simple. Each competitor will be given a Windows XP Installation disk. Each computer will be similar in hardware components. Each competitor on the cue of the whistle must load up XP on to their computers and wait for the installation to complete. Some competitors will lose from the boredom of waiting and walk out while others will see their day end due to a technical error or hardware malfunction from the computer. At the end, only a few competitors will remain because of a mix of luck and patience to claim the gold medal in this event.
Dodgeball
-Every kid (big or small )in any elementary, middle or high school has had to have played this game at some point in their lives. An episode of South Park even made our Olympic dream a reality when the kids from Colorado made the finals against a vicious Chinese squad. Only the strong would survive in a game where each team member must try and hit their opponents with a bouncing balloon ball to win the game.
Belly Flopping, Synchronized Belly Flopping
– Anyone unfamiliar with a belly flop should know that it’s a dive in which the front of the body hits flat against a surface of water. Diving competitions like to have tall diving boards and like to do all sorts of cool flips and twists but have a very underwhelming conclusion when you hear a small splash sound hit the water. In this event, the audience gets to witness a huge splash at the end along with the sideline judges quickly trying to determine how many cm. of water were dumped out of the pool by both athletes.
Olympic Bribing
-The best way to win in any event is to convince the judges that you deserve to win the event. Judging is subjective and many different people can see an athlete perform and not give them the same score. We cut through all of B.S. and allow any athlete to convince a judge why they should be the winner of the event that they competed in. Perhaps your score was a bit off on the parallel bars or you fell while attempting a triple-axel jump? Well, you can attempt to win back some points by giving money, sexual favors, free babysitting or a nice steak dinner to whichever judge can be bought off and help you win the event.
Sci-Fi TV show debate
-The Olympic Games always need some form of debate competition. If they’re good enough for after school programs then they’re good enough for these games. Sci-Fi nerds will be given a topic of debate such as Star Trek, Star Wars, Battle Star Galactica, Dr. Who, Quantum Leap or some other cult TV show and will be judged based on their creativity, logic, self-knowledge, maturity and use of audio/visual facts during the debate.
Black Friday Door Crasher Event
-This event is simple. We set up a television in the middle aisle that had its price jacked up two weeks ago and then reduced the price back to the regular price. Everybody thinks that it’s a super deal because we lowered the price by 1000 bucks when the reality is we simply fooled the average consumer into thinking that they’re getting a deal when they’re really not. Scarcity is the name of the game as we only placed three of these in the entire store and the winners with the quickest time will get the gold, silver and bronze medals and a free no-named South Korean television.
Nordic Paintball
-Those wussy paintball people always enjoy the comforts of camouflage gear and hiding inside abandoned cabins. We put players in the same outfits in the middle of a flat piece of ice and let them have at it. There’s nowhere to run and there’s nowhere to hide. You’re completely exposed to the elements. The only thing that can save you is the paintball gun in your hands. The first person to hit the other with some paint is the winner.
Freestyle Reclining Chair Sleep-Off
-This event takes a look at what happens when people fall asleep in front of the television and make uncomfortable poses and gestures in a reclining chair. Judges will take a look at how much their bodies distort while asleep and will also give bonus marks for any uncomfortable facial gestures that are made that are showing that the contestant is not having a good night’s sleep.
In the end, there would be no events because lazy people would be too lazy to show up to anything. We might get a small crowd if we bothered to promote the event but most forget to RSVP and didn’t show up to the event on time. Some individuals did respond but told us that next week would be better for them or possibly the week after that. Apparently, some competitors thought that it would be too much work for them to respond and so they didn’t end up showing up for any events. Some other individuals forgot to train altogether. We’re hoping for a better turn out next time around but we’re thinking that it might be too much work to try and set these games up and are hoping that someone else will do it next time.
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