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February 01, 2014

Bacon Epidemic

Posted in: Food



It’s not so long ago that bacon was shunned by many people. Religious people wouldn’t go near the food and vegetarians thought that they were heart disease sticks. Most people on this website would enjoy waking up early in the morning to the smell of bacon and eggs which became a breakfast tradition. It seems that eating bacon for breakfast isn’t enough anymore and people need to have their bacon fix at any moment like it’s some kind of energy-fueled drug. The first major breakthrough came when food manufacturers were able to distribute pre-cooked bacon. Bacon contains lots of juicy fat that is very easy to splatter when cooking it so it only made sense to make bacon that you could easily shove into a microwave and avoid any hot oils hitting your face and leaving you scarred for life.


Bacon Condiments & Drinks



One big hit was the invention of baconnaise. This mayo substitute was starting to give people second thoughts at the drive-thru counter when they would use the phrase ‘Please hold the mayo’. Move over ketchup as a new sheriff is in town to take over the condiment world. The company recommends you to put this stuff on sandwiches, dips, sauces and salads. Heck, even vegetarians will love this stuff since it’s got a simulated bacon-like taste without any real bacon in it! If baconnaise wasn’t a good enough substitute for the mayo on your burger – why not try bacon squeeze. Bacon squeeze is a great alternative to the lazy BBQ master who simply didn’t have enough time to throw some bacon strips on the old propane tanker. You can put some bayonnaise on the bun and then add some bacon squeeze for a finishing touch to your burger once all the other condiments have been added to the burger.



Every good burger must be accompanied by a great drink to help wash down all of that beefy goodness. We think that Jones’ bacon flavored soda will help do the trick. From the same company that put turkey and mashed potatoes with gravy into soda form comes a pig’s ultimate nightmare in a carbonated format.

The main life source on earth is water. Surely they couldn’t have messed with mankind’s most precious resource? Oh they did? Well, we’re screwed then. Now, with the invention of effervescent drink tabs, you can drink your six or more daily recommended glasses of water with the sweet pig taste of bacon. Let’s not stop there and start filling our oceans with bacon drink tabs so that our entire water supply can smell like a pig pen.


Bacon Personal Hygiene Products



Do you go to work smelling of body odor because you didn’t have time to take a shower in the morning? Well, all this can be solved with the invention of bacon soap. Now, you can spend all day smelling like bacon and being chased repeatedly by dogs every time you walk down a sidewalk.



If you didn’t have enough time to bathe with bacon soap; you still can thanks to the invention of bacon perfume. Simply spray a squirt here or there and the odor will simply be irresistible to all women and farm pigs within a two mile radius. Are you feeling not so fresh down there while doing it? How about some bacon lubricant? There’s no need for water or silicone-based lubricants when bacon can create more than enough oil for a very long and pleasurable time. After having sex, the room might smell like sex. Or perhaps you ate a bad bean burrito and need to air one out in the bedroom. There’s no need for that lemony-scent freshness or the sweet smell of fresh linen when you can have the oily smell of bacon being sprayed throughout your house. Teen room smell? Check. Dusty old attic? Check. Grandma’s room? Check. You can even take this for those long car trips and use it to help air out your car every few miles.


Bacon & Death



Since bacon is a heart surgeon’s worst nightmare; it’s only rational that bacon will one day kill you. Funeral directors already got your dead back covered with the invention of a bacon coffin. This coffin is graphically illustrated to look like bacon on the outside and if you got some great friends of yours- they can always shove a few packages of bacon in the coffin so that you may take bacon with you on your journey to the afterlife.

There are now bacon-of-the-month clubs, bacon blogs, bacon camps, bacon happy hours at bars and bacon art. A group of graduate students in Boulder, Colorado have even established an International Bacon Day so you can now tell your boss that you’ll need to take the day off in order pray to your bacon god or simply take the day off and head to your local Wendy’s fast food joint for some freshly grilled baconators. How much further could the bacon people go? What is the tipping point? Well, we think the apocalypse of bacon has arrived.



There’s no other word to describe bacon Armageddon than to create a replica statue of actor Kevin Bacon using…yes you guessed it…bacon.

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