2012 is approaching and people are beginning to worry about the possibility that the world might end. Some people think that it might be a virus, a volcano, an asteroid or even a zombie outbreak. There are many new television shows popping up which show doomsday preppers trying to prepare for the inevitable apocalypse. We watched a few of these shows and started to wonder what it would be like if we were preparing for our own end of days.

-The first thing that I would do is to sit down and contemplate all of the mistakes that I have made (And there have been many). What if I had scored the winning goal in the hockey game and not have been tripped up by that goalie throwing his stick at me? Why didn’t I study harder for that final exam and not have to repeat that math course for the third time? Why did I say that I would take out the trash soon but then throw it over into my neighbour’s backyard? There are so many things to remember which I did that sucked the big time that it’s better to remember the better things in life.

-The next thing to do would be to sit down and contemplate all of the things that I have accomplished in my life. Well, for starters, I’m not dead yet. So…that’s a good sign even though the world may potentially end. Also, I managed to finish college even though it took me about three years longer than most people. I built a bird house once. That was pretty cool. I’ve watched more movies and television shows than most people have in their entire lives. This might be handy if we have any survivors and they need people to recreate some of their favorite movies for them. That about sums it up. Were you expecting anything else from the same person who created a web site dedicated to being lazy?
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Congratulations! You are now one of the millions of people who has just finished University and are looking to take on the world! You’ve got that Liberal Arts degree in your pocket and those future bosses better look out because you plan on rocking it out at those job interviews and showing them what you’re made of. This won’t be a survival guide discussing great job prospects or how to successfully impress that woman giving an interview for an internship. We’re going to discuss our own survival tips on how we not only avoid work but have fun ways to show how most of you will be avoiding life in general.

Now, most of you have probably read some survival guides telling you to find a quiet place to study or to count how many exams that you have to avoid stress. Here’s our first recommendation for you. It’s called a bed. You sleep on it. Most of you are tired from studying and want to party the night away. Let’s skip that step since after a night of partying you will end up sleeping anyways and this way it’s more efficient.

Ok. You’ve slept for 15 hrs. and you’re ready to tackle that world again. The phone rings. It’s the bank. Remember all those loans that you had that were supposed to be for tuition and textbooks but instead were used to take that trip to Cuba during Spring Break? Well, apparently the bank would like their money back. It seems that schools are tricky little businesses that don’t just want to educate you and help you in life. They actually want money in return. And to think of all those times that you helped out with student elections and had those 1 on 1 chats with your professor to gain knowledge -phewy on that!

Next Phase: Employment. Remember when the career guidance counselor said that there are many openings in the field of your choice? There are plenty of openings with the exception of the number of applicants willing to fill these vacancies. Instead, you will find out that the phrases ‘Would you like fries with that?’, ‘No, that sweater doesn’t make you look fat’, ‘I think we have your size in the back’, ‘Venti’, and ‘I’ll be back to take your order’ aren’t as uncommon as they sound. The job, house, dog and car that were given to your dad for kicking ass in the war are no longer available. Now, you need to actually compete against other potential candidates for the job. There’s only one common sentence that you need to know and it’s ‘Oh Ya! You Want to Take this Outside!’. First off, most of your competition are just as scared as you are and don’t want to get into a fight and will usually leave to avoid a confrontation. Second, the minority of people who haven’t left yet will be both puzzled and confused by your statement. ‘Did he mean outside- As in let’s continue this conversation outside? Or did he mean let’s go and grab some lunch and talk some more? Or did he simply want to punch my teeth through my skull?’ Here’s another common misconception that I find troubling. Most job resumes require that you’ve had a certain amount of experience with a previous job. How are you supposed to gain experience with a job if you need the job to gain experience? It’s a dilemma that needs to be fixed.
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We spend a lot of time devoted to wasting our time surfing the internet. Therefore, it’s no coincidence that every youtube video, top 10 list or celebrity gossip site that we visit somehow links back to some crazy nutjob discussing his thoughts on how 9/11 was an inside job and how angels are really aliens from above trying to destroy our planet. We must admit that some are better than others at convincing us about their crazy ideas with some cool ominous sounding music and even cooler video editing skills. Based on what we’ve read and watched over the years, Barack Obama isn’t from the USA, there’s no point in living because the Illuminati own the world and when they’re too busy then the nazis in alliance with the greys alien species will enslave all of humanity before the Antichrist shows up. By the way, did you know that the Antichrist is Walt Disney? God bless the internet. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have known about these earth-shattering sequences of events. We have decided to save our fellow readers some time by creating some of our very own conspiracy theories that will help to narrow the gap on the misinformation that exists and to lay the cards on the table about the real theories that people should be made aware of.

-The Free Masons are actually an organization looking to help ‘Free’ their leader who’s named  ‘Mason’. He’s trapped in a pit on Oak Island, Canada and they’ve spent millions of dollars trying to get him out. Every month they gather in secret and say a prayer in the hopes that he will one day be rescued from the island and from Canada.

-Americans and Canadians (both fed up with certain undesirables in their community) are looking to make a trade. Canada gets Alaska on the condition that the USA gets Quebec. Once the deal is complete, the USA renames Quebec to Trebek and holds an international jeopardy festival there every year.

-The ‘Anonymous’ hacking group is not so anonymous after all. When reached for comment, they referred the media to a guy named ‘Steve’ who lives in Cleveland, Ohio. When asked why he didn’t come forward sooner…Steve replied “Well, I was still trying to figure out the ending to the film ‘Inception’. It took me a while to figure out what the hell that whole thing was all about”.
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