BoobNewb’s 2012 Doomsday Advice Guide

2012 is approaching and people are beginning to worry about the possibility that the world might end. Some people think that it might be a virus, a volcano, an asteroid or even a zombie outbreak. There are many new television shows popping up which show doomsday preppers trying to prepare for the inevitable apocalypse. We watched a few of these shows and started to wonder what it would be like if we were preparing for our own end of days.

-The first thing that I would do is to sit down and contemplate all of the mistakes that I have made (And there have been many). What if I had scored the winning goal in the hockey game and not have been tripped up by that goalie throwing his stick at me? Why didn’t I study harder for that final exam and not have to repeat that math course for the third time? Why did I say that I would take out the trash soon but then throw it over into my neighbour’s backyard? There are so many things to remember which I did that sucked the big time that it’s better to remember the better things in life.

-The next thing to do would be to sit down and contemplate all of the things that I have accomplished in my life. Well, for starters, I’m not dead yet. So…that’s a good sign even though the world may potentially end. Also, I managed to finish college even though it took me about three years longer than most people. I built a bird house once. That was pretty cool. I’ve watched more movies and television shows than most people have in their entire lives. This might be handy if we have any survivors and they need people to recreate some of their favorite movies for them. That about sums it up. Were you expecting anything else from the same person who created a web site dedicated to being lazy?

—Flashlights and batteries won’t keep the crazy people away from stealing your 60 inch plasma TV.—

-I guess the next step would be to create some sort of an emergency plan. Most emergency plans require a huge checklist of items that you’ll need in case something bad happens but that would require a lot of effort so we’re not going to do that. My emergency plan would include taking some martial arts classes and buying some firearms to mess people’s shit up if they try to double cross me. Also, horde as many items as possible. I don’t care what those experts on those reality tv shows have to say – there’s going to be a need for certain items. Do you think that extra large jar of mayo at Costco sucks now? Now would also be a good time to stock up on some ramen noodles and some twinkies. Twinkies will outlive us all and you’ll thank me when it’s the only dessert worth eating. Also, the banned case of Four Loko that you left in your storage bin will keep you up for a good long week or more as you prepare to make your journey to freedom.

—This snack will outlive us all.—

-Our next plan of attack is to keep mobile and head south. Most people head north but then you’ll be stuck up here in Canada and freezing your ass off for more than half the year. Try to stay away from people. Most experts recommend to stay in groups as you have power in groups but if the graphic novel ‘The Walking Dead’ has taught us anything it’s that people suck and are always trying to kill themselves because their lives suck or trying to shoot at things with no aim whatsoever and accidentally getting bullets stuck in someone’s eye or stomach region. If you do see any survivors for any reason, kindly tell them that the expert scientists got the year of the rapture wrong and that the real apocalypse won’t be for at least another year. Furthermore, it’s a great idea to be dressed up as a hero when you do spot any survivors. Most experts ask you to be a hero but not to dress like one. We think that if you dressed up like batman, most people would think that you’ve already gone insane and you could fool them and help to keep them away from you as you continue on your journey. Another neat trick is to pretend that you’re having a garage sale where ever you travel. You can tell survivors that you’re not worried about the apocalypse but are worried that the novelty gift item you bought over ten years ago isn’t selling as fast as you’d like.

—Dressing up like a crazy superhero might be your only tool for survival.—

-During your journey, you might want to stop in the middle of the road and get a nice tan. You’ve got lots of time on your hands so why not look good while you travel. Leaving evidence will help to tell other survivors that you had made it to a town but didn’t find anything useful so you broke anything that wasn’t tied down. Another way to leave evidence is to write your own life story. You can mention the many times that you slept on the couch and watched roller derby reruns or wasted a year of your life trying to figure out what was the point of David Lynch’s ‘Lost Highway’ flick. This would be a nice opportunity to ask other important questions about life such as ‘When will the next kickoff season begin for the NFL?’ or ‘When will the band Guns & Roses ever make a new album together?”

—If the world is going to hell…I might as well work on my tan.—

-Since you have a lot of time to spare -Why not eat? You can find lots of free 2$ tacos at Taco Bell and since we’re not sure if their meat is really ‘meat’ then it will probably still be edible after a long period of time. Another great idea is to put your name on as many condos as you possibly can. If the world is going to rebuild itself one day, you’ll be thankful that you invested in all of those condos at such a bargain price and can now reap the rewards.

—Who needs Europe when I have all of these cool statues right next to the casino!—

As you keep going South, be sure to make a pit stop in Las Vegas. Most experts suggest that you visit a historical monument before you die but we’re lazy so we can just as easily see a replica of the Eiffel tower, the pyramids of Egypt or the Statue of Liberty on the Vegas strip and save ourselves the boat trip across the Atlantic. While in Vegas, be sure to write to your congressman or local politician. You can write a nice letter to them and thank them for not telling you about the apocalypse and that if you find one of them alive you’re going to steal their identity to board the giant space ship to Mars that they’ve probably already built without the public’s knowledge.

—An Independent Nation – A worthwhile investment.—

Since no nations exist anymore, there’s no better time to declare independence from USA/Canada and form your own independent nation. A few suggestions would be to figure out a cool nickname for yourself and become a dictator (democracy is overrated). You get to ride in cool cars, afford new things that weren’t possible before and do cool poses. You can call yourself the supreme leader all of the time and the best part is you always get re-elected 99% of the time since you’ll be the only person voting! Hiding places are very important at this stage of the apocalypse. Survivors always lead other survivors to their hiding spots. Those people usually end up dead. You’ll want to move over to a nearby secluded island and if any other survivors find you; just tell them that you’re shooting the next season of ‘Survivor’ and they’re not allowed in.

Finally, your journey will lead you to the final destination -Mexico. Why Mexico you might ask? Well, everyone keeps complaining about the ancient Mayans, 2012, and the apocalypse so if we’re going to get to the bottom of things then it might as well be in Mexico. Sit on a couch and let the answers come to you. If noting happens, at least you have warm weather, nice beaches, a carona and your favorite lawn chair to sit back and spend the rest of eternity drinking beer, being lazy and enjoying the sunlight.