We spend a lot of time devoted to wasting our time surfing the internet. Therefore, it’s no coincidence that every youtube video, top 10 list or celebrity gossip site that we visit somehow links back to some crazy nutjob discussing his thoughts on how 9/11 was an inside job and how angels are really aliens from above trying to destroy our planet. We must admit that some are better than others at convincing us about their crazy ideas with some cool ominous sounding music and even cooler video editing skills. Based on what we’ve read and watched over the years, Barack Obama isn’t from the USA, there’s no point in living because the Illuminati own the world and when they’re too busy then the nazis in alliance with the greys alien species will enslave all of humanity before the Antichrist shows up. By the way, did you know that the Antichrist is Walt Disney? God bless the internet. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have known about these earth-shattering sequences of events. We have decided to save our fellow readers some time by creating some of our very own conspiracy theories that will help to narrow the gap on the misinformation that exists and to lay the cards on the table about the real theories that people should be made aware of.
-The Free Masons are actually an organization looking to help ‘Free’ their leader who’s named ‘Mason’. He’s trapped in a pit on Oak Island, Canada and they’ve spent millions of dollars trying to get him out. Every month they gather in secret and say a prayer in the hopes that he will one day be rescued from the island and from Canada.
-Americans and Canadians (both fed up with certain undesirables in their community) are looking to make a trade. Canada gets Alaska on the condition that the USA gets Quebec. Once the deal is complete, the USA renames Quebec to Trebek and holds an international jeopardy festival there every year.
-The ‘Anonymous’ hacking group is not so anonymous after all. When reached for comment, they referred the media to a guy named ‘Steve’ who lives in Cleveland, Ohio. When asked why he didn’t come forward sooner…Steve replied “Well, I was still trying to figure out the ending to the film ‘Inception’. It took me a while to figure out what the hell that whole thing was all about”.
-After being publicly shamed in their native land; sumo wrestlers from Japan are able to breathe new life into their sport by joining forces with the National Hockey League and helping to redefine what the position of goaltender is all about.
-The real reason that Michael Jackson has such a childish sounding voice is because he was kicked in the nuts really hard as a child.
-Global warming is a myth. Really. The heating of the earth and the nice weather (when it should be snowing outside) is just god’s way of making up for the thousands of years when the earth was stuck in an ice age. Live it Up!
-Mike Tyson was so impressed by the kindness of his simpson’s character that he vowed to be a nicer person from now on and is legally changing his name to ‘Drederick Tatum’.
-Mel Gibson really loves Jews and is trying to get elected as the prime minister of Israel one day.
-Steve Carrell left the show ‘The office’ to go and work in a real office.
-Facebook is actually owned by Microsoft. Bill Gates wanted to snoop on all of those assholes that made fun of him when he was a teenager.
-Rainbows are actually created by Leprechauns who work for the Wrigley company in order to make skittles.
-The Japanese are actually creating real life Pokemon to enslave Americans as revenge for having an atomic bomb dropped on them in World War 2.
-Area 51 is just a really big Wal-Mart Super Center where the government ships all the crap that Americans don’t purchase from China.
-China created American Chinese food items like general tao chicken and egg rolls to convince unsuspecting Americans that Chinese food doesn’t taste like complete shit in order to win their trust and start the invasion.
-AOL (After having declared bankruptcy) is officially changing the name of the company to LOL as a way of trying to fool investors into thinking that dial-up internet never existed and was all just one big joke played on the public.
-Aliens do exist. They surround all of us and are very real. We mainly call them ‘Mexicans’.
We think that you’ve seen the light and have awoken the skeptic inside you. Thanks for reading our enlightened take on the world and we hope to have some more theories if the government doesn’t take our laptops away.
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