Congratulations! You are now one of the millions of people who has just finished University and are looking to take on the world! You’ve got that Liberal Arts degree in your pocket and those future bosses better look out because you plan on rocking it out at those job interviews and showing them what you’re made of. This won’t be a survival guide discussing great job prospects or how to successfully impress that woman giving an interview for an internship. We’re going to discuss our own survival tips on how we not only avoid work but have fun ways to show how most of you will be avoiding life in general.
Now, most of you have probably read some survival guides telling you to find a quiet place to study or to count how many exams that you have to avoid stress. Here’s our first recommendation for you. It’s called a bed. You sleep on it. Most of you are tired from studying and want to party the night away. Let’s skip that step since after a night of partying you will end up sleeping anyways and this way it’s more efficient.
Ok. You’ve slept for 15 hrs. and you’re ready to tackle that world again. The phone rings. It’s the bank. Remember all those loans that you had that were supposed to be for tuition and textbooks but instead were used to take that trip to Cuba during Spring Break? Well, apparently the bank would like their money back. It seems that schools are tricky little businesses that don’t just want to educate you and help you in life. They actually want money in return. And to think of all those times that you helped out with student elections and had those 1 on 1 chats with your professor to gain knowledge -phewy on that!
Next Phase: Employment. Remember when the career guidance counselor said that there are many openings in the field of your choice? There are plenty of openings with the exception of the number of applicants willing to fill these vacancies. Instead, you will find out that the phrases ‘Would you like fries with that?’, ‘No, that sweater doesn’t make you look fat’, ‘I think we have your size in the back’, ‘Venti’, and ‘I’ll be back to take your order’ aren’t as uncommon as they sound. The job, house, dog and car that were given to your dad for kicking ass in the war are no longer available. Now, you need to actually compete against other potential candidates for the job. There’s only one common sentence that you need to know and it’s ‘Oh Ya! You Want to Take this Outside!’. First off, most of your competition are just as scared as you are and don’t want to get into a fight and will usually leave to avoid a confrontation. Second, the minority of people who haven’t left yet will be both puzzled and confused by your statement. ‘Did he mean outside- As in let’s continue this conversation outside? Or did he mean let’s go and grab some lunch and talk some more? Or did he simply want to punch my teeth through my skull?’ Here’s another common misconception that I find troubling. Most job resumes require that you’ve had a certain amount of experience with a previous job. How are you supposed to gain experience with a job if you need the job to gain experience? It’s a dilemma that needs to be fixed.
So, you owe thousands of dollars and have a shitty job. Here’s the next solution: RIOT! Yes, riots are actually a successful political ploy. You can break things and say that you’re fed up with ‘Da Man’ and delay paying tuition if you can argue that the tuition that you received in the first place was too much. You can be on TV and tell your next employer that you were ‘fighting for freedom of expression’ which might look good on a future job resume.
Now that you’ve had your Occupy Wall Street moment; it’s time to take away all of that knowledge that you learnt in school and join the school of hard knocks. Most of what you remembered you’ve probably forgotten anyhow so it’s time to learn some street smarts. There’s a saying that there’s no free lunch in this world. This isn’t true. Option A. Many fast food joints have free coffee, donut or taco days. Take advantage of these. Option B. Many people leave their lunch bags in the community fridge without putting their name on them. If there’s no name – it’s a free lunch. Option C. Learn how to pronounce the word ‘lunch’ in Mandarin. You’ll thank me later when your Chinese overlords tell you that lunch is being served and you’re the only person in the room who has a clue what they’re saying.
It’s now time to meet your two best friends who you’ll be spending lots of time with – Facebook and a computer. That’s because most of your former friends or college buddies have moved away to places like Japan to teach English and the only communicating that you’ll be doing with them is by posting stupid attachments to their facebook photos, messaging them about the good old days and checking out your friends photos of themselves somewhere at a club , beach or vacation resort living it up.
Next, we will learn about networking. In this life, it doesn’t matter what you know…but who you know. Buy yourself a video game console. Are your parents mad at you for spending many long nights in the basement playing Call of Duty? Tell them that you’re meeting interesting new people from around the world and getting to know new people who may help you find a job one day. This might actually be true. Maybe the guy you’re sniping from a rooftop works as an executive for Merill Lynch. Crazier things have happened.
Here’s a short conversation on money. You owe people money. You have no money. If you get money, most of it will go back to the people who you owe money to. Any remaining money that you have left over will go to the government or your porn addiction. If you invest; the 1000$ you put in the bank five years ago will suddenly transform into 1000.00000005$ because of low interest rates. Don’t invest in the stock market because you’re only going to help the next nerd who lives in his parent’s basement become the next founder of some social networking website and become a billionaire. Try new tactics. Fantasy sports betting is a safe way to make money without becoming a gambling addict. Know a friend in a gang who will invest your money properly and give you higher interest rates. Make cool new apps that nobody really needs or wants but that you will charge them 1$ each time they purchase it. Buy a truck and transform it into a food mobile and pretend you’re the next big restaurant sensation.
Next Tip. Stay at home. Trust me. Moving out into the big city might seem cool at first. But, you then come to the realization that the city smells like a sewer. There is nowhere to park anywhere and your one room apartment is the same size as your closet in your parent’s house. Also, I think that the homeless blind guy who sleeps by the alleyway and is always asking you for money isn’t as blind as he keeps telling me. With an apartment, you’re just wasting valuable rent money and there are too many condos that have too many rules and condo fees and you’d be better off keeping that money to buy your future house 20 years from now.
Finally. We thought we might look ahead at what career paths will exist for future graduates…
Marketing: You will keep trying to decide whether the Snapple ad needs a red or purple background.
Accounting: You’ll start to realize that those spreadsheets you hate seeing every day are easy to divide cocaine on.
Finance: Have you seen Christian Bale in the film ‘American Psycho’? No? Does the name Bernie Madoff sound familiar to you?
Psychology: You keep coping with your own depression while spending most of the day helping others with their own cases of depression. Also, those stories you keep hearing about people being abducted by UFOs aren’t as far-fetched as they use to be.
History: In an ironic twist, all that stuff that you found about in the 17th century is repeating itself in this century. You must warn others before it becomes too late.
Marine biologist: Yes, those dolphins really ARE that smart and will soon overtake us when we least expect it.
Philosophy: Anytime you watch a film, you ask the question ‘What If?’ to try and figure out what would happen if the villains beat the good guys at the end of the film.
Political Science: Every time the cashier gives you your money back at grocery store, you yell ‘It wasn’t me,it was that guy!’ as though you’ve had an accusation made against you.
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