Slava Pastuk is a comedic writer based out of Toronto. He has written several articles for Crave Online and Collegehumor and has written a free comedy e book available online for free. You can read more of his work over at slavap.com

Inner Monologue of a First-Time Stoner

Every time a group of men under the age of 25 gathers for long periods of time, you can bet your last two cents that one of them (probably you) will be smoking weed. Whether it’s a road trip, a concert, or a day spent playing Halo 3, someone is eventually going to bust out the green. Most of your group is used to this, but there’s always the odd time a fresh face appears who may not be as chronic-minded as the rest of you, so you, being the good host (and horrible corrupt person) that you are, decide to let the newbie take a hit of the bong, just so he doesn’t feel left out. What you don’t know is that you are about to set him up for one of the worst skull-fucks he could ever imagine. The following is exactly what’s going through his mind as he smokes weed for the first time. “I can’t believe I’m gonna go through with this, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. You only live once, right? Huh, I thought it would look more like those leaves I’ve seen on Dr. Dre albums; this stuff just looks like little nuggets. It looks like plant shit. Okay so how does this work? I just suck until I get it all in my throat? Haha…that’s what she said. Make a note to tell that to the guys. They don’t seem amused by my witty observations, their loss. Alright so I just light it and suck….HOLY SHIT!!! That tastes like ass. Seriously guys, that actually may be the most foul thing I’ve inhaled since I visited my grandpa. I’m choking!! Why can’t I stop coughing? Is it possible to actually cough up a lung? This shit has been nothing but trouble, I don’t see the appeal… and why is everyone laughing at me…Okay so is this it? Am I high?

I feel the exact same, nothing’s spinning, no hallucinations. Maybe I’m just immune to it, like some kind of weird superhero. Did I just refer to myself as a superhero? Maybe I’m high, but I feel don’t any different. Wait what the fuck, did I just mix up ‘feel’ and ‘don’t’ in my mind? Ask if someone heard you. Dammit of course not, it was in my mind. Damn you, mind. “Hey look, it’s Zeus! The Gods always did have an eye for good weed, right?”I’m looking at my hands and honestly I can’t tell what all the fuss is about, they’re just hands, with little fingers. Why would anyone trip out to something so simple?Now nails…nails are trippy shit; it’s like finger armor. Holy shit look at that stucco ceiling, it’s got like faces in it. Look, there’s Zeus right by the corner. Right there! Shit I lost him, maybe if I squint…I should say something, I’ve been quiet for like 20 minutes looking at this ceiling. ‘Woah dude, I’m high.’ Seriously, that’s the best you could do? Who are you, Keanu Reeves? Woah dude’? Step your game up!

Now everyone’s laughing at you again. I’m hungry. Was I hungry before or am I hungry because of the weed?
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One thing that stands out in society today is kids and teens who are out of control and defy their parents due to the fact that parents do not dicipline their kids. Yes i totally know the law nowadays but what needs to be done is the way things use to be when I was a kid. Now I’m not saying to anyone they are bad parents or even good ones but being a parent is a never ending learning experience you always learn new things as they get older and thats more and more things to teach/talk to your kids about. One thing that pisses me off about kids nowadays is the word NO,back when I was a kid NO was not something you NEVER told your parents atleast when it came to mine I did not because I knew what would happen if i told them NO. (THEY WOULD BEAT MY ASS TIL I COULD NOT WALK, OR SIT DOWN.)

There were other things that did not require a beating or a grounding and that was when I was told to pick up my toys if my parents told me to put them away and I said NO they threw all my toys out no questions asked!!As a kid you would think damn now what will I have to do and the answer is simple NOTHING!! Of course that punishment never really lasts as my parents would get me all new stuff after they made me wait like a week to think about the defiance. (As did everyone elses) Many of us use to experience what was called the triple ass whooping thats where the neighbor would beat your ass then drag ya home by your ear tell your mother what you did and why the neighbor whooped ass then momma would whoop your ass and would tell you just wait til your father comes home and hears what you did,now after 2 beatings your already hurting and when dad got home he beat you so bad you never ever did what you did to get those beatings again.

(todays kids need a good dose of this but parents are too pussy whipped to do anything) When ya turn on the tv nowadays all you see are teenage girls looking for the father of their child and they have no clue who the father is because they fucked the entire neighborhood like the sluts they are,or even worse some 13-18 year old young punk kids on tv yelling FUCK YOU BITCH AT THEIR OWN MOTHER one thing is for sure My kids will never talk like that to their mother or to me that way because I will backhand them notice i did not say beat or abuse there is a BIG difference.

(And we as the parent have to set the examples for them because when a teenage girl acts like a slutty whore who do you think she learned that from and do not tell me her best friend because that is utter BULLSHIT!) I would say one of the hardest things for me growing up I would call simply BOOT-CAMP that was where I would go to school during the day and when I came home it was all work for my dad and not just ordinary little house chores were talkin back breakin labor chopping wood, mowing ACRES of grass by hand, putting up fences sealing the driveway, ETC ETC..

There was no time for homework with my dad he always thought school work is done on SCHOOL TIME NOT MINE and if i happened to get an ass beating believe me i still worked afterwards no matter how hurting I was.

Needless to say I see why my parents were brutal they made me a man and not a punk street thug..and this is my opinion but I see my kids getting almost the same treatment as I got,and as much as I hate to admit it I see things exactly the way my father did which is why I will leave all parents with this KEEP YOUR FUCKIN KIDS IN LINE THAT MEANS DICIPLINE AND WERE NOT TALKIN A TIME-OUT WHOOP THAT ASS OR MAYBE JUST MAYBE YOUR KID AND YOU WILL BE THE NEXT GUESTS ON THE MAURY POVICH SHOW!!
Feel free to use these tools if ya dont wanna beat your kids make em do what I did growing up BACK BREAKING LABOR IT WILL MAKE MEN OUT OF BOYS AND WOMEN OUT OF GIRLS!

Please Send HATE MAIL!!!

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Once again, June brings us another guest commentary on something entirely different than the previous month. This month features another College Humor and former BoobNewb columnist by the name of James Girvin who will discuss with us his keys to being lazy and curing some summertime boredom.

College Do’s and Do Not’s

So it’s summer vacation now for those of us who go to college, which means one thing: boredom. Actually, it means one other thing, too – we survived. Yup, we made it through another semester at school without any major tragedy. Chances are, this is mainly because we follow a set of unwritten rules in order to make it in college. These rules are unwritten because, as college kids, we are either too lazy or too illiterate to put them down onto paper. For once, though, I have decided to put down just a sampling of this college code for any incoming freshmen who need some advice as to how to live a semester away from home.

So, without further ado, here is a quick list of some of college’s dos and don’ts:

1. Do: Special Olympics. My suitemates and I have decided that, in order to bring some excitement to our room, we should hold weekly Olympic Games. Our inaugural event was the “who could take the most poos in a week,” which didn’t fail to bring out crappy performances in everyone. My one roommate, Conor, had 19 in one week, officially shat-tering the rest of the competition. Hahaha holy crap, a pun! Haha oh man, another one! Haha….oh wait, that last one wasn’t a pun.

2. Do Not: Do laundry more than once a week. Don’t be that guy who is always taking up seven washers and dryers every time I go to wash my one stack. It’s like he’s Ron Jeremy with the amount of loads he can knock off in one session. Learn to be resourceful (a.k.a. A dirtbag) and make the most out of your clothes. One tried-and-true method is the ol’ “flip the underwear inside out and wear them again.” The one downside to this tactic is that it tends to scare off girls…but, seriously, that’s not a bad thing. If you were to meet a girl who thinks it’s a good idea, and you two got married, your kids would be crawling around with crap on the outside of their diapers.

3. Do Not: Light your room on fire. This may seem like an obvious rule, but I’m serious. The other night I was reheating an eggroll in our toaster oven and – to make a long story about as long, but not quite – it caught on fire. Luckily I was able to put it out before any fire alarms went off. I guess that was the one bright side to come out of that whole ordeal. Well, that, and the fire.

4. Do: Wear sandals in the shower. On the outside chance you didn’t know, the showerhead shoots water out of it not so it can help you wash the soap off your body. No, instead its primary use in college is to (A) wake up your passed out friend as he is laying in the tub or (B) wash away the puke and piss after your passed out roommate spends the night in the shower. Not wearing sandals while taking a shower is like neglecting to bring a parachute when skydiving.

5. Thou Shall Not Kill. Oh my bad. I’m getting this article mixed up with my theology essay.

6. Don’t: Drink. Haha wow that was the best joke I’ve made so far. This is one of the few times you will actually hear me support anyone or anything named Busch.

That’s all. To be honest, that’s all I really feel like writing right now, which really displays the number one governing body in college: laziness. In fact I’m so lazy, I don’t think I’m going to fini…

(You can read more of James over at collegehumor.com)

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BoobNewb is introducing a new feature this month. Every month I will randomly pick someone from a different source of the web to offer something completely new and unrelated to what the previous person had said. Because this is the first time that we’re doing this, we’ll get the ball started with Eric Wang , a featured columnist from collegehumor.com with who I chat with sometimes. Next month we’ll try and shake things up with someone new and completely different than Mr. Wang.

Eric Wang
Yeah, That’ll Happen #19
My Experiments

They say college is about experimenting, and trying new things. Things like random sex, social smoking, competitive drinking, and degenerate gambling. I think college is seeing how far long you can go without bathing or wearing actual shoes before your friends stage an intervention. So with that in mind, I’ve conducted a series of experiments on myself for you to enjoy.

The Experiment: Determine what I’d look like with significant amounts of facial hair.
Reasoning: In the event that I’m (1) magically without my trusty Mach 3, (2) magically stranded on the special island on Lost that makes people’s hair stay exactly the same length, or (3) magically on a championship hockey team, after I magically gain some semblance of athletic ability.
Outcome: Let’s just say that things would be vastly different if I were Hungarian. Menopausal women can grow more facial hair than me.
Evaluation: Ten days of not shaving later, no one noticed. Damn.

The Experiment: Find the truth in the college adage “Nothing good can come of 40 hands.” If you don’t know what 40 hands is, Google it and then slap yourself for not being college enough.
Reasoning: It was Thursday night, and we needed a good roommate bonding experience.
Outcome: It’s true; nothing good can come of 40 hands. I couldn’t open my bottles on my own, because I’m bad at using my teeth in conjunction with my hands. My hands went numb from my sadistic roommate taping them too tight. And Danny and I got in a fight about beer and pizza and I broke a bottle over his head. My bad, Danny.
Evaluation: Let’s just say, it’s the last time I play 40 hands.

The Experiment: Determine if my comforter can control the weather.
Reasoning: The last three springs, when the weather starts getting warm and the girls in the lovely (PENN)|(STATE) shorts start tanning themselves on campus, I painstakingly pack up my comforter in the original packaging it came in and store it in my closet, only to have the weather immediately turn cold again.
Outcome: My luck was a little better this year. We had a week’s worth of warm weather, then it was 40 degrees outside. However, due to my defiance against Mother Nature (read: laziness) I am not retrieving my comforter from the top shelf of my closet.
Evaluation: I need warmer pajamas.

The Experiment: How long can I go without doing laundry?
Reasoning: I’m out of quarters, I’m lazy, and it’s a long cold walk to the Laundromat. Also, I have a lot of stuff to carry.
Outcome: When you can last four weeks on seven pairs of underwear, its time to re-evaluate your life. It came down to me showering once every eight hours just to not feel absolutely disgusting. Or maybe I just need to buy more undergarments altogether.
Evaluation: A nice pair of gym shorts feels just like silk boxers.

The Experiment: How well can I do on a test while buzzing off of this B to the E stuff?
Reasoning: Apparently the new fad is beer infused with better tasting Red Bull, replacing the old Low Carb beer fad. Also, I didn’t study much for this test, and alcohol takes the edge off of everything.
Outcome: You know what really gets the creative juices flowing? Having a few drinks before taking a test you haven’t studied for. I came up with a whole bunch of new spy techniques, mainly involving a ceiling camera, and optical implant, and the kid who wrecks the curve by getting a 95 on every test.
Evaluation: Let’s just say, the test was open book, and the class average was a 58. Fuck you, electrical engineering.

The Experiment: Is it possible to sleep an entire day?
Reasoning: You know that little internal debate you have with yourself every morning, the one that goes, do I get up or go back to bed? Sometimes my life is so boring that my dreams are the best part of my day.
Outcome: Only made it 14 hours. I’m a little disappointed in myself, and more in my dreams for not keeping me entertained long enough. And after a while, I was just facedown in puddles of my own drool, willing myself to sleep through the afternoon sun.
Evaluation: Worth another try with Nyquil next time.

The Experiment: Do jumbo size eggs have more double yolks?
Reasoning: Everyone loves getting two for the price of one, unless the item is question happens to be chins or black eyes. The last two years I’ve been cooking for myself, I’ve gotten only jumbo eggs, because they appear to be more suited for carrying double yolks. Also, when I eat them, I secretly hope that I’ll get mutant powers.
Outcome: Twelve eggs a week for 52 weeks * two years = 1248 eggs, I’ve gotten double yolks three times, that’s 0.2% of the time.
Evaluation: My cholesterol is ridiculously high. And I really can’t cook, my omelets are just scrambled eggs with some sort of hot sauce.

The Experiment: Can you really get free stuff like an iPod or a Sony PSP from an online pyramid scheme?
Reasoning: Last summer, everyone and their mother asked me to sign up for a free iPod. I refused, on the grounds that I’d be subjected to credit checks and junk mail and telemarketers calling my cell phone all the time. Ten months later, everyone knows somebody who’s gotten a free iPod. Sounds like a new urban legend to me.
Outcome: So far, instead of referrals, I’ve been collecting excuses. My favorite one is the one I used to use, “I already did this for someone else.” Help me prove or disprove this urban legend by signing up here and here.
Evaluation: Yes, this is a shamelessly unabashed self promotion.

And now, things that seem to happen only to me…that don’t fall under the category of some gross self experiment…

I booked a flight on Travelocity the other day. In the confirmation email, there was a line that stated “Please note that you are landing at a different airport than the airport you started your trip.” Wow, I would fucking hope so.

Are hacked celebrity phones the new stolen sex video? If so, will someone please hack Lindsay Lohan’s phone?

People at schools that just now got Facebook are like people who just started watching The O.C. I know it’s amazing, you don’t have to IM me every half hour to tell me OMG Luke slept with Marissa’s mom, or send me links of the hot girls who went to your high school that you never knew about. Actually, yes on that second one.

That’s it from me, good luck on finals everyone!

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