Congratulations! You are now one of the millions of people who has just finished University and are looking to take on the world! You’ve got that Liberal Arts degree in your pocket and those future bosses better look out because you plan on rocking it out at those job interviews and showing them what you’re made of. This won’t be a survival guide discussing great job prospects or how to successfully impress that woman giving an interview for an internship. We’re going to discuss our own survival tips on how we not only avoid work but have fun ways to show how most of you will be avoiding life in general.
Now, most of you have probably read some survival guides telling you to find a quiet place to study or to count how many exams that you have to avoid stress. Here’s our first recommendation for you. It’s called a bed. You sleep on it. Most of you are tired from studying and want to party the night away. Let’s skip that step since after a night of partying you will end up sleeping anyways and this way it’s more efficient.
Ok. You’ve slept for 15 hrs. and you’re ready to tackle that world again. The phone rings. It’s the bank. Remember all those loans that you had that were supposed to be for tuition and textbooks but instead were used to take that trip to Cuba during Spring Break? Well, apparently the bank would like their money back. It seems that schools are tricky little businesses that don’t just want to educate you and help you in life. They actually want money in return. And to think of all those times that you helped out with student elections and had those 1 on 1 chats with your professor to gain knowledge -phewy on that!
Next Phase: Employment. Remember when the career guidance counselor said that there are many openings in the field of your choice? There are plenty of openings with the exception of the number of applicants willing to fill these vacancies. Instead, you will find out that the phrases ‘Would you like fries with that?’, ‘No, that sweater doesn’t make you look fat’, ‘I think we have your size in the back’, ‘Venti’, and ‘I’ll be back to take your order’ aren’t as uncommon as they sound. The job, house, dog and car that were given to your dad for kicking ass in the war are no longer available. Now, you need to actually compete against other potential candidates for the job. There’s only one common sentence that you need to know and it’s ‘Oh Ya! You Want to Take this Outside!’. First off, most of your competition are just as scared as you are and don’t want to get into a fight and will usually leave to avoid a confrontation. Second, the minority of people who haven’t left yet will be both puzzled and confused by your statement. ‘Did he mean outside- As in let’s continue this conversation outside? Or did he mean let’s go and grab some lunch and talk some more? Or did he simply want to punch my teeth through my skull?’ Here’s another common misconception that I find troubling. Most job resumes require that you’ve had a certain amount of experience with a previous job. How are you supposed to gain experience with a job if you need the job to gain experience? It’s a dilemma that needs to be fixed.
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